The world of processed food is a fascinating one. It is entirely possible to subsist off food that isn't really food at all, or has been processed to the point that it no longer resembles the original product. Ingredient lists are long and chock full of unrecognizable chemical formulas--my general thinking is the more "x's" in the name of the ingredient, the less likely it is to have been made from something edible.
While I don't shy away from food because of fat content or calories, I am fairly health conscious and eat as little processed food as possible, especially processed meat. But the fat, sodium and calorie content of these foods defies the imagination. For my blog this week, I had decided originally to eat nothing but processed foods, but I quickly amended it to eating one processed food a day. I simply couldn't fathom wasting all those fat grams on food that doesn't enhance my life in some way.
The following is a partial description of the foods I ate each day and the related experiences. Unfortunately, I didn't save all my labels, so I'm going to look up the nutritional information online and add it when editing for my portfolio. One thing of note is that nearly everything I ate had some sort of near immediate physical repercussion--indigestion, heartburn, water-retention, headache, an allergic reaction to MSG, etc. It seems the human body wants to reject much of this non-food as soon as possible.
Monday: Lean Pocket--Sausage and Pepperoni Pizza (7 grams of fat, 280 calories)
Originally, I set out to eat a standard Hot Pocket, but one small pizza pocket contained 23 grams of fat, and I knew I'd have to eat two of them to feel full. Instead, I opted for the Lean Pocket. I cooked them in slid them into cardboard sleeve designed to keep the pocket crispy and microwaved for 90 seconds. The sleeve did very little to keep it crisp, it was limp and some sort of murky tomato cheese sauce was leaking out of the end. In addition to the soggy crust, the inside was the temperature of molten lava and had a definite gluey texture. Everything tasted like salt. The sausage actually evaporated the minute it hit my tongue, and the pepperoni was awfully greasy for something that advertised itself as lean. I had prepared two of these, but I was barely able to finish one.
Tuesday: Quizno's Chicken Carbonara (19 grams of fat, 630 calories, 1830 mg of sodium)
I will admit to have eaten a sandwich from Quizno's on more than one occasion, but my tendency is to stick to a turkey with mustard on wheat, or something else of their lean menu. This time I ordered a chicken carbonara--chicken, bacon, mozzarella, mushrooms, Creamy Bacon Alfredo Sauce on wheat bread. When I looked up the nutritional information at home, I was actually surprised at fat and calorie content: I thought they would be much higher.
The sub itself was actually quite tasty, although the grilled chicken had that spongy re-formed texture that processed meat seems to possess. Again, the primary flavor was salt--there were 4 strips of bacon on it and the sauce was basically just salt in a liquid form with an emulsifier added to make it creamy (and a little offputting). Overall, the consuming experience was not so bad, but the extreme amount of sodium made me feel heavy and slow for the rest of the day.
Wednesday: Cool Whip (0 grams of fat, 20 calories)
This was by far the most disgusting thing I ate all week. I spit it out into the sink. It had an unbelievably fluffy texture that didn't break down when it hit your tongue, and tasted to me how a urinal cake or moth ball smells. I don't think there was an actual food item listed in the ingredidents. Yuck.
Thursday: Ramen soup--chicken flavor (14 grams of fat, 540 calories)
It had probably been 10 years or more since I had eaten ramen soup, and I was really taken back by the nutrional label--it was listed as only 7 grams of fat and 270 calories, but then it stated the tiny package was two servings! It was really hot that day, and the thought of eating soup was not that appealing; in general, I don't care for hot liquids, anyway. But I was game and broke up my noodles into the hot water and added the flavor packet. Immediately upon hitting the water, the noodles gave off the smell of old oil. The flavor packet contained turmeric, as Chad noted, and the broth was too yellow--it reminded me more of pee than chicken broth in appearance. Once the flavor packet was added, the prevailing scent was that of salt yet again. The ingredients stained the cup flourescent yellow, and there was a bubbly, greasy sheen on the top of the soup.
The noodles actually tasted pretty good until they got to soggy for my palate, but the chicken broth was horrible. It burned my tongue and throat, and not because it was too hot; I think it may have been some sort of chemical burn. It was also the saltiest of the sodium-laced items I ate during the week. I abandoned the broth after about two sips, but I still had an almost immediate MSG reaction. I think the rest of the class did, as well, because the energy level and conversational spirit dropped palpably after we ate the soup.
Friday: Aidell's Chicken and Portobello Mushroom Sausage (9 grams of fat, 180 calories)
Sausage is always a dicey experience for me, and I was especially skeptical of these as they were packaged pre-cooked. I heated them in the microwave and served them on fluffy white buns with Hidden Valley Reduced Fat Ranch dressing. Again, flavor-wise they were not bad (salt again), but the texture was highly unpleasant; the casing was extremely chewy and the sausage was gristly. Since I don't usually think of chicken as gristly, it made me begin to wonder what cuts of meat Aidell used in her sausage, and quickly abandoned it after one bite.
Saturday: Foster Farms Honey Roasted Turkey Cold Cuts (0 grams of fat, 25 calories per slice)
I had lots of fluffy white buns left over from the failed sausage experiment, so I used them to make sandwiches with processed pepper jack cheese and more ranch dressing. I cheated and added some raw spinach. While the lunch meat still had the creepy processed and re-formed into a meat log texture, the flavor was pretty good--smoky, sweet, and not too salty. I must admit, unlike the other items, I didn't toss or give away what was leftover, and have in fact eaten several sandwiches. I still wouldn't buy it again, though.
The Experiment
Sunday: Spam, and "Cheese" Sandwich on an English Muffin (Spam 16 grams of fat, 360 calories; Kraft Swiss "cheese" 4.5 grams of fat, 120 calories)
2 slices Spam
1 slice Kraft Singles Swiss cheese
1 English muffin
Up until this point in my experiment I managed to consume all of these foods without actually cooking, so I decided for the final day that I would cook something. The Spam was terrifying; after popping the top, it slid out of the container with wet plop, and the outside was slimy and gelatinous. Somehow I managed to slice off two pieces from the loaf (so probably 32 grams of fat) and placed in a pan that I sprayed with Pam for maximum processed food experience. I fried the Spam until it was browned on both sides, flipping it over after about 5 minutes. Next I placed the cheese on top while the meat was still in the pan so that it would melt (it had the same gluey consistency as the Lean Pocket cheese sauce). Finally, I placed it on an English muffin, and forced myself to eat the whole salty, slimy thing. It wasn't pretty. Never in my life have I experienced something so far removed from the animal it was once part of, and I'm fairly sure the ghastly aftertaste was animal cruelty.
On Monday, I'm eating nothing but vegetables and water.
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